Thanks for droppin' by..... This page is is for all my VP sister's to hangout and release all they're frustrations
subjects can vary.... Male Bashing..Problems with anyone else in VP...or even if they would like
to jus talk about personal issues...We are all here to help the other one if at all possible so sit back
and relax and Vent Out !!
What Women Should Know About Men
Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types
The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you've got sick of him
A woman's work that is never done, is the stuff she asked her husband to do
If you want a nice man go for a bald one...they try harder
Go for younger men. You might as well...they never mature anyway
Men's brains are like the prison system...not enough cells per man
Husbands are like children...they're fine if they're someone else's
Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home
He probably lies about other things too
There are only two four-letter words that are offensive to men... 'don't' and 'stop' (but not used together)
Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband. You will usually find that he is
There are a lot of words you can use to describe men: Strong, caring, loving...they'd be wrong but you could still use them
Men are like animals...messy, insensitive and potentially violent... But they make great pets
Why Cats Are Better Then Men
Cats keep their opinions to themselves
Cats don?t criticize your mother
Cats never question how much you?re eating
Cats never claim they know how to fix larger appliances
Cats understand the importance of beauty sleep
Cats are happy to let you drive
Cats always look good first thing in the morning
One good purr can be worth a thousand words
Cats don?t complain when you get a short haircut
Cats love it when you go shopping
Cats never return the gifts you get them
Cats are able to keep the romance alive
Men Are Like
Men are like.....Placemats. They only show up when there?s food on the table
Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion
Men are like.....Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly
Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature
Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that?s about it
Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright
Men are like.....Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don?t generate much interest
Men are like.....High heels. They?re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it
Men are like.....Curling irons. They?re always hot, and they?re always in your hair
Men are like.....Mini skirts. If you?re not careful, they?ll creep up your legs
Ten Reasons God Created Eve
10.God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions
9.God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.(Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
8.God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him
7.God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself
6.God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night
5.God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing
4.As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools
3.The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden
2.As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."
1.When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that"
Women Discuss Men
*Neanderful.* Men haven't made much progress in the art of wooing over the last few hundred years, as evidenced by the Tonya Harding affair. Basically, it's still "here, look what I've beaten and killed for you!" Women need a way to indicate appreciation and revulsion at the same time. Now, there's a word. "Og, that was really neanderful; now please drag the bloody carcass out of the foyer, wipe off your club, and be sure to write me from jail."
*Manslobber.* Some men just can't take no for an answer. The harmless majority of these Gomers are much like laboratory monkeys who keep pressing a button which administers a dose of potentially pleasurable, but eventually deadly poison. If refusing a date just doesn't get through to the bundle of glands that is yapping at your heels, women may now say "I'm sorry, Goofus, but I'm going to have to press manslobber charges."
*Mammopia.* This phrase would be used to chasten men who just can't seem to focus on anything but a woman's {dairy related} body parts. When this behavior is detected, women could say "Hey buddy, I'm up here! You need radial keratotomy for that severe case of mammopia."
*Premature Articulation.* This phrase would be used to assail the "Schwing Reflex," which causes men to make vulgar comments about attractive women who pass within their field of view. An occasional "Hello, Betty!" is forgivable and physiological responses are not controllable (if they were, oh happy day!). Still, men ought to know better than to say things like "Here, chickie, chickie" or "Come to Papa!" The problem is: men speak before they think. The next time it happens, women may retort, "What's the matter Hercules, have you got a case of premature articulation?"
*Haskellate.* Named after the Sultan of Suck-Ups, Eddie Haskell from Leave it to Beaver, this phrase would be used to castigate men who heap meaningless flattery on women with all their motives ulterior. When the doo-doo gets deep, women could say "if these flurries haskellate any further, I'll be knee deep in it."
*Blowhole.* Men are much like whales. They lie around most of the time, then surface briefly to spout off. I pity women who must nod through a nice meal while her date sounds off about his {completely made-up} accomplishments. When this happens, she should say "Moby dear, why don't you submerge now and give your blowhole a little rest. You're getting the other diners a little wet."
Quick Ones
"Men are like a fine wine. They start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? Close the door
If they can put one man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there
When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it
How do you make your husband wake up with a smile on his face on Monday morning? Tell him a joke on Friday night
Why do men get married? So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more
What are a woman's four favorite animals? A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom and an ass to pay for it all
What did God say after she made Eve? "Practice makes perfect."
What is gross stupidity? 144 men in one room
How many men does it take to screw a light bulb? Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind
2. No business
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Slow
What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband? Miss her
Behind every great woman is a man telling her she's ignoring him
He keeps a record of everything he eats. It's called a tie
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow
What are the words women hate to hear when they are enjoying great sex? "Honey! I'm home!"
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
He wouldn't ask for directions
SEMINARS FOR MEN
Once again, the female staff will be offering courses to men of any marital status. Class size will be limited to 18 as material may prove to be too difficult to comprehend or remember past lunch
Course No. Course Title
Combating Stupidity
You Too Can Do Housework
P.M.S. - Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray
We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas - Give Us Money
Understanding the Female Response To Coming In Drunk At 4 AM
Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly Called Don't Wash My Silks)
Parenting - No, It Doesn't End With Conception
Get a Life - Learn How To Cook
How Not To Act Like a Butthead When You Are Obviously Wrong
Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
You - The Weaker Sex
Reasons To Give Flowers
How To Stay Awake After Sex
Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But the Bathroom
Garbage - Getting It To the Curb
SEX 218A - You Can Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try
SEX 218B - The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take a Shower
The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous
How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
How To Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Get Lost
The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes
How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
You Too Can Be a Designated Driver
Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked
Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works
The Attainable Goal - Omitting %=@!$ From Your Vocabulary
Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is NOT Necessary
Real Men Ask For Directions
How To Take Illness Like a Man
